Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik
Born: December 22, 1978
Blue Meter: Risqué
In match-ups against other comics:
Won: 659 | Lost: 562
See Something Wrong?Is something missing or inaccurate about this comedian's profile? Write Dead-Frog about it here.
Anthony Jeselnik on Chocolate
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. “Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them.” It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, “Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?”
Anthony Jeselnik on Pain
You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik on Suicide
I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik on Motorcycles
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.