Friday Ha Ha: How Do You Like Them Apples?

Filed Under Humor

I’m in Maine next week, so Dead Frog will be on hiatus until June 28th. Meanwhile, here’s some funny for you nerds.

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HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
An adventure for characters level 8-12

The following is an adventure for 2-5 Player Characters with another player acting as Dungeon Master. The party should consist of two fighters who always hog the Atari, two clerics who won’t shut up about your mom and a magic user who screwed you on a comic book trade (Rom 1 for X-Men 137! How could you be so dumb!).

At the beginning of the adventure, read the following to the PCs:

You are traveling in the hills south of Zaquotch, returning from a recent raid on an orc village. The gentle swaying of the dragon willows in the southeastern breeze spawns a sense of deep relaxation amongst you. You are certain that today will be uneventful. Nope, nothing wrong here.

This passage will lull the party into a false sense of security. For the next hour of so, let the PCs role-play. At first the players will embrace the opportunity to act out their characters’ quirks, but eventually they’ll get bored and ask you to roll for wandering monsters. Roll, but have no wandering monsters arrive, even if it’s a really good one, like a fire giant with a sword of A-hole slaying. When the PCs start threatening to go home, read the following passage:

In a clearing on the stump of a long dead oak, you discover three golden apples. They not only appear quite valuable, but they seem to beckon, physically urging you to remove them from their perch.

Being greedy pigs, of course the PCs will immediately pick up the apples. But if the PCs are suspicious, they might be stubborn about it. Reassure them you are being fair. If they still won’t pick up the apples, have them jump into the PCs hands.

As soon as the PCs have the apples, bellow out in your best angry god voice “Who dares disturb my golden apples!” Do it just loud enough so that later in the evening the PCs will be able to put their fingers on the exact moment they were completely screwed.

Have the Greek God Zeus fly down out of the sky, ridding a red dragon. Though it’s tempting to wipe out the whole party with a single fireball, it is better to role-play this situation to the max, so the PCs believe they have a chance to talk or fight their way out of this.

Anyway, Zeus will ask the PCs why they disturbed the apples. At this point, the magic user will frantically scour the Player’s Handbook for a spell. Encourage him to do so. Whatever spell he comes up with, allow it to be successful. Let the PCs revel in that success for a short moment. Then turn the magic user into hemorrhoid on the ass of a hobgoblin.

In fact, turn them all into hemorrhoids on a hobgoblin’s ass. Collect their character sheets as quick as possible. Tear them up in the PC’s faces. That’ll show ‘em for convincing you to dress up as Muffit for Halloween.

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