Category: Humor

I Don’t Get It, Part 1

Filed Under Humor, Stand-Up Comedy

The first in a series, hopefully.


Arj Barker, Tompkins Square (1996)

Inspired by Photos of TV

Posted by Todd Jackson at 08:30 PM | Send to Friend | Comments (0)

I Love 2001!

Filed Under Humor

Announcer: 

So you think you’re an aughties - a zeroties - the ohties - oh, whatever - fan?  OK, Osama but are you ready for this jelly? It’s “I Love the 2000s” and this is 2001! The terror! The TV! The Taliban! The flicks! The fundamentalist Muslims! A totally scarring year that gave us these burning questions:  Why do other countries hate us so much?

Mo Rocca: 

Could be decades of exporting a culture full of values our foreign policy doesn’t even come close to emulating. Or maybe they just didn’t like Rush Hour 2.

Announcer: 

How did Saddam Hussein found Al Qaida?


Hal Sparks: 

He planned 9/11 with the help of the WWE’s Iron Sheik and Jafar from the movie Aladdin.

Announcer: 

and… How newsworthy is it if it only makes the crawl?

  Michael Ian Black: 

Those tickers are very effective. When I am trembling in fear on my couch, I need to know that sales of American flags are up 85%. (pause) I need to. (pause) Desperately.

Announcer: 

The answers to those questions, plus   Who sent the tabloids anthrax if it wasn’t J. Lo?  and… Did irony really die or was it just cryogenically frozen until the nostalgia clip show could be invented?  Because you love the 2000s. Because you’re still having sex with firemen, this is 2001!

Posted by Todd Jackson at 10:37 AM | Send to Friend | Comments (0)

Friday Ha Ha: How Do You Like Them Apples?

Filed Under Humor

I’m in Maine next week, so Dead Frog will be on hiatus until June 28th. Meanwhile, here’s some funny for you nerds.

—-

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
An adventure for characters level 8-12

The following is an adventure for 2-5 Player Characters with another player acting as Dungeon Master. The party should consist of two fighters who always hog the Atari, two clerics who won’t shut up about your mom and a magic user who screwed you on a comic book trade (Rom 1 for X-Men 137! How could you be so dumb!).

At the beginning of the adventure, read the following to the PCs:

You are traveling in the hills south of Zaquotch, returning from a recent raid on an orc village. The gentle swaying of the dragon willows in the southeastern breeze spawns a sense of deep relaxation amongst you. You are certain that today will be uneventful. Nope, nothing wrong here.

This passage will lull the party into a false sense of security. For the next hour of so, let the PCs role-play. At first the players will embrace the opportunity to act out their characters’ quirks, but eventually they’ll get bored and ask you to roll for wandering monsters. Roll, but have no wandering monsters arrive, even if it’s a really good one, like a fire giant with a sword of A-hole slaying. When the PCs start threatening to go home, read the following passage:

In a clearing on the stump of a long dead oak, you discover three golden apples. They not only appear quite valuable, but they seem to beckon, physically urging you to remove them from their perch.

Being greedy pigs, of course the PCs will immediately pick up the apples. But if the PCs are suspicious, they might be stubborn about it. Reassure them you are being fair. If they still won’t pick up the apples, have them jump into the PCs hands.

As soon as the PCs have the apples, bellow out in your best angry god voice “Who dares disturb my golden apples!” Do it just loud enough so that later in the evening the PCs will be able to put their fingers on the exact moment they were completely screwed.

Have the Greek God Zeus fly down out of the sky, ridding a red dragon. Though it’s tempting to wipe out the whole party with a single fireball, it is better to role-play this situation to the max, so the PCs believe they have a chance to talk or fight their way out of this.

Anyway, Zeus will ask the PCs why they disturbed the apples. At this point, the magic user will frantically scour the Player’s Handbook for a spell. Encourage him to do so. Whatever spell he comes up with, allow it to be successful. Let the PCs revel in that success for a short moment. Then turn the magic user into hemorrhoid on the ass of a hobgoblin.

In fact, turn them all into hemorrhoids on a hobgoblin’s ass. Collect their character sheets as quick as possible. Tear them up in the PC’s faces. That’ll show ‘em for convincing you to dress up as Muffit for Halloween.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 12:16 AM | Send to Friend | Comments (0)

Friday HA-HA: Channel 7 Not On Your Side?

Filed Under Humor

Channel 7 may NOT be on your side? The special report… here on Channel 7!

You’ve seen their ads on television.

(A quick clip of an attractive but not beautiful woman in a business suit. She radiates sincerity as she states, “It’s about the stories. That effect us all. That effect you.” A logo and legend appear on screen: “7 on your side.”)

The ads for Channel 7 promise a lot – to bring you the news in a way that makes sense, along with traffic, weather and sports. And all of these services are promised to be only performed with the best interests of the viewer in mind. That viewer being you.

And in the course of a 22-minute broadcast, Channel 7 seems to satisfy many of these claims, giving accurate if somewhat cursory looks at the day’s events along with a semi-reliable weather forecast and a presentation of the statistics for the local teams and their games. But it is in the other eight minutes of the broadcast where things take a different turn… a turn to greedy self-interest.

These eight minutes are sold – that’s right, sold – to local and national businesses who wish to reach an audience – a trusting audience that believes that 7 is on their side. These businesses which to take advantage of this trust by persuading them to buy a good or service that they don’t need. Lulled into a false sense of security by 7’s slogan, the viewers have no choice but to trust these “commercials.”

And there are several of these commercials within these eight minutes, some of them only 30 seconds long. That means nearly sixteen unnecessary goods or services could be foisted off on unsuspecting Channel 7 News viewers. Sixteen attempts that may cost you and your family money. And how much does Channel 7 gets for selling time – your time? Several thousands of dollars for each segment.

When we confronted Channel 7 News Director Charles Brendon about the existence of these commercials, he refused to speak on camera. However he did make vague threats about how these commercials pay “our salaries” and that if we didn’t like it we could “quit.”

Though we didn’t find anything out from Mr. Brendon, a quick scan of his office did reveal that 7 was far from its viewer sides in other ways. You see, the number of viewer a newscast can attract helps create the rates Channel 7 can charge for its commercial. The more viewers, the more money. To ensure that ratings stay high, Mr. Brendon actively develops Special Reports - like this one - designed to create fear and concern in viewers rather than help them in their daily lives.

Come back tomorrow, when we’ll continue our five-part investigation. Right now, we’re going to explore “Video Games: Are They Prejudiced to Aliens?” But first, some messages from our sponsors.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 07:02 PM | Send to Friend | Comments (0)