Friday Ha Ha: How Do You Like Them Apples?

Filed Under Humor

I’m in Maine next week, so Dead Frog will be on hiatus until June 28th. Meanwhile, here’s some funny for you nerds.


An adventure for characters level 8-12

The following is an adventure for 2-5 Player Characters with another player acting as Dungeon Master. The party should consist of two fighters who always hog the Atari, two clerics who won’t shut up about your mom and a magic user who screwed you on a comic book trade (Rom 1 for X-Men 137! How could you be so dumb!).

At the beginning of the adventure, read the following to the PCs:

You are traveling in the hills south of Zaquotch, returning from a recent raid on an orc village. The gentle swaying of the dragon willows in the southeastern breeze spawns a sense of deep relaxation amongst you. You are certain that today will be uneventful. Nope, nothing wrong here.

This passage will lull the party into a false sense of security. For the next hour of so, let the PCs role-play. At first the players will embrace the opportunity to act out their characters’ quirks, but eventually they’ll get bored and ask you to roll for wandering monsters. Roll, but have no wandering monsters arrive, even if it’s a really good one, like a fire giant with a sword of A-hole slaying. When the PCs start threatening to go home, read the following passage:

In a clearing on the stump of a long dead oak, you discover three golden apples. They not only appear quite valuable, but they seem to beckon, physically urging you to remove them from their perch.

Being greedy pigs, of course the PCs will immediately pick up the apples. But if the PCs are suspicious, they might be stubborn about it. Reassure them you are being fair. If they still won’t pick up the apples, have them jump into the PCs hands.

As soon as the PCs have the apples, bellow out in your best angry god voice “Who dares disturb my golden apples!” Do it just loud enough so that later in the evening the PCs will be able to put their fingers on the exact moment they were completely screwed.

Have the Greek God Zeus fly down out of the sky, ridding a red dragon. Though it’s tempting to wipe out the whole party with a single fireball, it is better to role-play this situation to the max, so the PCs believe they have a chance to talk or fight their way out of this.

Anyway, Zeus will ask the PCs why they disturbed the apples. At this point, the magic user will frantically scour the Player’s Handbook for a spell. Encourage him to do so. Whatever spell he comes up with, allow it to be successful. Let the PCs revel in that success for a short moment. Then turn the magic user into hemorrhoid on the ass of a hobgoblin.

In fact, turn them all into hemorrhoids on a hobgoblin’s ass. Collect their character sheets as quick as possible. Tear them up in the PC’s faces. That’ll show ‘em for convincing you to dress up as Muffit for Halloween.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 12:16 AM | Comments (0)

Fill Time with Phil

Filed Under Animation

L.A. Weekly asks a great question: why doesn’t radio genius Phil Hendrie have a TV show yet? Might just be that his talent for holding conversations with himself that sound like two entirely different people talking is just not a skill that translates the TV. And there are much worse fates, TV isn’t everything. Just ask Dave Chappelle. But damn, an animated show with him and Sarah Silverman? Other Network are you listening? (Not familiar with the genius that is Phil Hendrie? Listen.)

Posted by Todd Jackson at 11:20 PM | Comments (0)

He’s Dave Chappelle, Assholes!

Filed Under Late Night, Stand-Up Comedy

Dave Chappelle walks off stage after “fans” relentlessly yell “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” Not only are these people killing Chappelle’s stand-up, they’re destroying the narrow window of getting a third season of Chappelle’s Show from the man.  Please people, if you go to a live comedy show, shut the fuck up!

More complaints of ambushing by a political themed comedy show - this time, The Daily Show. I saw the episode where Jill LaVine and State Senator John Vasconcellos appeared. I didn’t think either one of these officials came off bad on the show. Lowering the voting age to 14 sounds completely preposterous, so Vasconcellos looks pretty silly for making the proposal in the first place. But his logic about people taking up the responsibility given to them came through the piece. The man just looked a little out of touch but with his heart in the right place, that’s it. Which is more than I can say for the anti-Philadelphia-gay-tourism man on Wednesday’s Daily Show, who really hung himself with his own bizarre obsession with men’s buttocks.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)

There’s Really Funny and there’s Reality Funny.

Filed Under Stand-Up Comedy

TiVo forsook me again with Last Comic Standing. Part two of the Vegas finals aired tonight and TiVo didn’t know it, even know it was on the schedule. Weird. Hopefully, I’ll catch the Comedy Central rerun.

That said, I’m all caught up with the episodes TiVo did record. First, a thought on getting to the Semi-40: Lots of comics had gimmicks (wearing jock straps on their head, pretending to be a Nazi or, in desperate “me! me! me!” fashion, following the auditions to EVERY city) that get you on blooper reels. But the real way to get to the 40 is have a different type of gimmick…  the compelling story for the producers to latch onto, like:

♦ being a stripper
♦ being 19 and having nine months of stage experience
♦ being a part of a comedian couple with two children.

Not that these people weren’t funny (two and a half of them were…). They’re good stories to tell on the way of getting to the Final 10. LCS is a “reality” show, not a comedy. Thus the tenets of reality trump funny. The winner is not the funniest person, it’s the comic who’s “story” was the most interesting.

Of the finalists, my fave right now is Bonnie Macfarlane who had the audacity to go for broke with the “c word” in her Las Vegas set. Not only is she funny, but she’s got a great “story” for the reality producers to hang on… finalist and future Gap employee Ant seems to hate her. She doesn’t get along well with other female comics (or they don’t get along with her… not really clear on that so far). I’m sure she won’t win, but it’ll be great watching someone who takes risks.

I think Gary Gulman has got what it takes to win the whole show. I caught him as an opener for Dane Cook and he was amazing. He seems nice enough for America to like/sympathize with (and a genuine nice too, he was talking to people in line pre the show I saw as well… it ain’t just a I-need-a-cheering-section-in-Vegas thang) and he’s really funny. His jokes on food, while not exactly the freshest target, killed.

Non-finalist guys who I hope to see more of: Dan Ahdoot (who’s solid, just needs more material), Chris Voth, Monty Hoffman and, apparently, the robbed Dan Naturman from the synopsis I’ve read about tonight’s show.

Though I hate wishing ill will of 1/4 of NBC’s sitcoms next year, but have you seen the ads for Father of the Pride? The animation is dazzling movie quality stuff, but I’ve yet to see a joke that justifies transplanting the family sitcom in this setting. Not to mention the bad taste of the whole enterprise! Sure you have Siegfried and Roy’s approval. But they’re insane. It’s part of the premise of the show!

Well, soon, onto other things beside LCS. I’m already sick of it and we have hours of housemate-snipping to go apparently.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 03:48 AM | Comments (0)

I Don’t Think I’ve Seen Enough…

Filed Under Stand-Up Comedy

Way behind in the TiVo viewing. Not only have I watched just one of the eps of Last Comic Standing, I have 43 episodes of Comedy Central Presents on my addictive little box. Again, 43. Good thing I like comedy, huh?

Anyway, seems like we’ll have ten finalists. Don’t know who they are, but I had some thoughts on why Dat Phan won, even in the face of guys like Dave Mordal, Rich Vos and Ralphie May. Thoughts that might help out the “angry/edgy” comics who get through the casting directors. (Judges? Please.)

This is enirely a “theory”, since honestly, I hate reality shows and didn’t put up with watching much of the last one. So, take the following with a whole beach.

When you go to the circus, you see clowns. And there’s always one clown, the victim clown, who’s the innocent clown… who gets picked on by all the other clowns. And though, really, those other clowns are the funny ones, that victim clown is the star of the show… because he’s got the audience’s sympathy. Just like Curly of the Three Stooges. Curly’s not the funny one. Moe is. Curly is the one who gets hit the most and the audience loves him for it. Dat Phan is a victim clown.

So if you get in the mansion, let the other comics hate you. They’re doing YOU a favor. You won’t be funny, but you’ll win.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)

Friday HA-HA: Channel 7 Not On Your Side?

Filed Under Humor

Channel 7 may NOT be on your side? The special report… here on Channel 7!

You’ve seen their ads on television.

(A quick clip of an attractive but not beautiful woman in a business suit. She radiates sincerity as she states, “It’s about the stories. That effect us all. That effect you.” A logo and legend appear on screen: “7 on your side.”)

The ads for Channel 7 promise a lot – to bring you the news in a way that makes sense, along with traffic, weather and sports. And all of these services are promised to be only performed with the best interests of the viewer in mind. That viewer being you.

And in the course of a 22-minute broadcast, Channel 7 seems to satisfy many of these claims, giving accurate if somewhat cursory looks at the day’s events along with a semi-reliable weather forecast and a presentation of the statistics for the local teams and their games. But it is in the other eight minutes of the broadcast where things take a different turn… a turn to greedy self-interest.

These eight minutes are sold – that’s right, sold – to local and national businesses who wish to reach an audience – a trusting audience that believes that 7 is on their side. These businesses which to take advantage of this trust by persuading them to buy a good or service that they don’t need. Lulled into a false sense of security by 7’s slogan, the viewers have no choice but to trust these “commercials.”

And there are several of these commercials within these eight minutes, some of them only 30 seconds long. That means nearly sixteen unnecessary goods or services could be foisted off on unsuspecting Channel 7 News viewers. Sixteen attempts that may cost you and your family money. And how much does Channel 7 gets for selling time – your time? Several thousands of dollars for each segment.

When we confronted Channel 7 News Director Charles Brendon about the existence of these commercials, he refused to speak on camera. However he did make vague threats about how these commercials pay “our salaries” and that if we didn’t like it we could “quit.”

Though we didn’t find anything out from Mr. Brendon, a quick scan of his office did reveal that 7 was far from its viewer sides in other ways. You see, the number of viewer a newscast can attract helps create the rates Channel 7 can charge for its commercial. The more viewers, the more money. To ensure that ratings stay high, Mr. Brendon actively develops Special Reports - like this one - designed to create fear and concern in viewers rather than help them in their daily lives.

Come back tomorrow, when we’ll continue our five-part investigation. Right now, we’re going to explore “Video Games: Are They Prejudiced to Aliens?” But first, some messages from our sponsors.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)


Filed Under Sitcom

Got comments coming on Last Comic Standing, but waiting for the Comedy Central re-airing of the second episode because my TiVo only caught the first half due to somebody’s funeral coverage. Ack, the nerve.

Very impressed by Reno 911! second season opener (though I felt the “It was all a dream” resolution to the cliffhanger was rather done and weak). The great thing about Reno 911! is the unlike traditional sitcoms, if a character says something mean or rude to another character, you actually feel some sense of pain. One of the reasons traditional sitcoms have been failing is that too often a character will call another some network-safe version of “fuckface” and the victim will respond in kind.

Reality TV has shown us one thing: people carry grudges. If someone calls someone else “fuckface”, they don’t forget it. The characters on Reno 911! feel each others slights without it become cloying or unfunny. Amazing stuff. The comedy has consequence.

Posted by Todd Jackson at 06:49 PM | Comments (0)
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